Psychologically I can not…not do this.
Let’s take a moment and look at the facts. I rode 2,659 miles on a $250 Walmart bike and lost 40lbs while doing it. I also met some of the greatest human beings on this planet ever. I had no business attempting that. I accomplished something epic. I remember I sat for a month before I left…terrified…I only had two options…take this journey or end it all. I managed some common sense and decided in my fear that ending it wasn’t a good idea. But the thought that I could die on the bike tour was abundantly evident. I was by myself. I don’t know a martial art or did I even carry a gun…I had a little bottle of mace to protect me and that seemed silly in the grand scheme of things.
And now that I prepare to venture out on a challenge again…the fear is back…it’s even worse than before the tour because it’s a familiar fear. It knows me…it knows my weaknesses. This fear has visited me before. It’s been living in my underlying psyche…hiding. I thought I killed it after I finished the tour…no such luck…it was wounded deeply…but not gone.
I was supposed to accomplish a simple task this weekend…and I couldn’t. That wretched fear made me do everything but what I needed to do. God damn I hate that fear. I want to kill it…and I will.
The thing that it doesn’t realize, is that I now have confidence. A confidence that wasn’t there before…born pure…from my epic journey…it rises…building more and more strength every day. My fear now knows that I mentally know how to defeat it. It can only hinder me physically for so long.
I deserve a reality from my own mind…not one from the weak and scared minds of those too afraid to dare to have what they want. They’ve imposed their lesser minds on me for too long. NO MORE!!! I won’t give up. I will pound this fear into the ground of my mind and I will destroy it forever. I will not surrender to a life that is less than I deserve. If you think this is a tirade of grandeur you’re sadly mistaken. This is a spark…igniting…I am awake again…I will feel alive again…more than when I was on the tour…my spirit will soar again…and this time I’ll do good for others during this challenge journey. I will touch lives and I will leave them better than I found them.
Are you ready?! I am.