The tour has been over for more than two months. I’m working again and I finally have a normal bed. I can’t help feeling that I’m not where I should be. There is more Journey to be had.
As I sit here, I feel an uncertainty welling up inside me. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a job and I even have a pool 🙂 It’s still not enough. I’ve accomplished something epic…the tour was hands down the best thing I’ve ever done but I want more. I feel like I have more to accomplish. It’s exciting and unnerving at the same time wondering about how to build a future…writing the next chapter. At the same time…I can make it into whatever I want and I don’t know what that will be. I can’t not do anything. Time is ticking away. Life’s change agent will force me to take action at some point. Now I know is a lull. But soon, I will have to change…right I don’t know into what and how.
I can’t help asking myself…what should I be doing? Before, the tour, I always felt like I was fighting a losing battle…I wasn’t good enough…that I was a failure. Now I really can’t say that to myself because I have an accomplishment in the books that cancels out that psychology. I can’t help but feeling like I can do anything. For those of you that know me, I’ve always had a healthy ego…to say the least :p but now it’s different. The physical and mental tole that the tour took on me…it changed me. Life seems slower. Before I felt like I was always a step behind…now I feel like life is trying to keep up with me. My thoughts are clearer…though I’m still filled with uncertainty…now it’s different…I’m more behind the steering wheel and in more control. With this feeling, I have a desire…it’s searching for more depth…asking…inquiring…questioning if what I’m doing is what I should be doing.
What is it for you…how do you know what you’re doing and where you are is right? Is it a feeling? Is it a process? Is it tangible? Is it faith? For me, I don’t know…I want to do something…that is right for me.