I’ve made so many mistakes.
When you bike tour across country, you have a lot to reflect on as there is little to do other than peddle. So much peddling. My legs are always sore….constantly cramping. Your mind begins to think…think about everyone and every thing. At first I thought I’d dull out the “noise” by using a radio. That doesn’t work. The music ends…tunes lose their brevity…you get tired of hearing the same old songs over and over. It becomes another noise. One that you just don’t want anything to do with anymore. You try to muscle it out. There are more miles than you have muscles. Running down that alley is brief. You dwell on the pain you’re in. That too numbs out after a while. Especially once you realize that you can a) keep peddling…b) quit…c) die…d) face your demons…that’s the worst encounter. The wind…the sun…the hunger…the sweat…the danger…all pale in comparison to your fears…your flaws…your naked truth…that wall hits back the hardest.
I’ve come so far and yet I dread that I’m not enough. When you’re out on a back country road…all by yourself…it’s silent…deafening. Your flaws get amplified. You start questioning your sanity…you are forced to peel back all your bullshit walls you’ve put up over the years that you’ve used to try and convince people that you’ve got it together. I have concluded…I am nothing.
I am a liar…I have lied to myself and to those who love me. I have a propensity to be quick witted…so quick that many times it sneaks out in front of what I’d really like to say and creates a fictional version of what is true…because I don’t want to appear weak…I want to be liked….it would be nice to be revered…I want to belong…I want to lead…I want to win. Unfortunately…I have not been able to weave a fabric that is strong enough to stay together for long periods of time. And thus I fail. My foundation is paper thin. The substance I do possess is watered down like cardboard and collapses the moment any force is applied. I wish I had a strong character and set of morales/values I could stand upon with confidence…like boulders who don’t waiver at the first sign of pressure.
I am ugly…I have never consistently taken care of my body so the result is an unattractive corpse with no visibly redeeming qualities that any woman would want to be around…much less mate with. Any women who has had sex with me in the past is due to my ability to fool her for brief moments that there’s is substance behind my charade. I feel sorry for those women. There is nothing to brag about…no pride in saying that they laid with me for an evening. There is no value to my seed…I’m afraid I may never have children.