I finally made it to Doug’s house…my Normal host 😉 I’ve been getting a weird kick out of the word play on the name of the city he lives in. But before I got here I had to overcome my most difficult challenge yet…a few walls.
Some of the walls were from the wind. I think I’ve done a good job beating to death that the wind has not been on my side in recent days. It got to me so much that I got off my bike and in a complete fit of frustration I started punching the wind. I was pissed. But unbeknownst to me there was a cop behind me. I could only imagine the thoughts going through his head watching me flail my arms in the air. He must have thought I was crazy. His siren broke the concentration I had going on with my fist rage. He pulls up and asks me what was going on and what I was doing. I was kind of frozen for a moment because it quickly hit me that I was about to tell him that I was trying to kick the winds ass. I reconsidered saying that as the thought of getting dragged to jail quickly popped into me head. After what seemed like forever, I finally uttered an I’m sorry. I told him that its been a long day and I was just venting. He looked at me like I was stupid…I can still feel the glaze he left on me. He said that I was being foolish and that even though I wasn’t breaking any laws I should have pulled off more onto the shoulder or even the grass. That’s when it dawned on me that this hole interaction was taking place on the road. God…I can be stupid. I kept apologizing and he kept highlighting my stupidity.after a few minutes of this he went on his way. I was still on the road…and the wind was still blowing. I really hated the wind at that moment.
So once I shook off what just happened…I get back to peddling. Now not to much later, I hit another wall. But this time it wasn’t the wind. I was hit with this overwhelming feeling…I’ve felt this before…it was defeat. All of a sudden I was on the ground emotionally…and I didn’t want to get up. I think this is when it hit me that I’m not on a vacation…that this is a journey of self discovery and adventure to actualize my potential…to wake up from the dream that the lies I’ve told myself have created. I’m living on the road and it hit me in the gut hard.
I had conversations with friends before I left regarding as to why I was taking this journey. It was brought up that I am running away from my problems. I didn’t feel that way before I left but now…on the road…Route 66…middle of no where…I admitted to myself…I run…I run when I’m scared…I hide when I don’t want to face things, big or small. I was almost at a standstill as this feeling hit me…then I stopped completely.
I called my adventure, “My Lost Journey” but now…not only was I lost mentally…I was lost physically. Tired and lost is not a good combination. I was standing in the road again. I was able to pull off onto the grass as my recent encounter left me somewhat hypersensitive to my place on the road. But my mind…it was spinning. I was flooded with all sorts of emotions. I could feel my eyes watering up. I didn’t know what to do. Peddling more seemed beyond my ability at this point. It was as if my mind was swirling like the winds I’ve been dealing with all day. I’m not sure as to how much time passed. I remember I was looking in all directions. I notice the sun. It was setting. It was red and covered mostly by clouds. Then I looked over my shoulder…I could see the road I’ve been traveling for some time. My mind started to clear. Then a thought entered my head…I’m moving forward…I’ve made progress…I’m still alive…I can do this…whatever this is, I can conquer it…I will come out the other end a better man. I could finally move again. I’m not sure how much time passed…but I new…I had to keep going. It was getting dark. I had a destination to reach. I had energy again. I was going to finish this 75 mile day. I began peddling again…moving…forward.
I can’t help but to think on that moment…looking over my shoulder. I felt like there was so much behind me…pulling me back…but I also could feel what was in front of me…it has a greater pull. It’s the direction I want to go in. This moment on the wall as I’ll call it did bring to surface that there are some…feelings I have to put to bed. As I’m typing this, I took a break and let my eyes wander to a survival guide I brought along with me. One of the chapters is titled: Vanquish Fear and Panic. It states the following –
The greatest enemies in a combat survival and evasion situation are fear and panic. If uncontrolled, they can destroy your ability to make an intelligent decision. They may cause you to react to your feelings and imagination rather than to your situation. They can drain your energy and thereby cause other negative emotions. Previous survival and evasion training and self-confidence will enable you to vanquish fear and panic.
I want to do this. I’ve met some fearless people in my day and read about others. I want to be fearless…to not panic in any situation. By me partaking in this journey, I hope to accomplish…small things…big things and through these gains, I’ll acquire the self-confidence needed to vanquish fear. Once I’ve conquered my fears…I won’t have the need to run anymore.