My Jerry Maguire Moment

The Lost Manifesto

For a long period of time, I have been feeling beaten, destroyed, doubtful, down, inhibited, imprisoned, regretful, scared, suffocated, timid…lost. Supposedly everybody struggles with these things, problems, to some extent. I know that in life, you need to process what’s working out, what’s not working and disentangle from it and try then not to walk into the same thing again…to watch your patterns and correct them. I’ve been questioning myself and trying to get back to something I’m not in touch with anymore, forgive myself and try to find fulfillment and happiness. I’m looking for anything that will make me feel. It has to be an important thing, because it’s the only thing that can save me.

I keep asking myself, “What’s the thing you’ll do anything and everything to get back once it’s gone?”…”What’s the thing you’ll do anything and everything to get rid of once found?”

My journeys thus far have tended to always reveal something new. I’ve come to understand that I’m unique. It is said that the point of mythology is to point to the horizon and to point back to ourselves: This is who we are; this is where we came from; and this is where we’re going. I have lost that. I have become rather aimless…a wandering generality. While I’ve tried to make up my mind as to what and when I shall begin…something, opportunities have passed me by. I’ve wasted so much time…thus losing parts of my life.

Money has been a bane if my existence. It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven’t missed the things that money can’t buy. I know I became so consumed with trying to live up to what everyone else expected that I lost who I really am…I blame only myself for being so shallow.

I’m tired of my excuses; I’m tired of feeling lost.

I’ve decided to smash my life into pieces and start again. I have chosen a path of quiet rebellion; experimentation of my confusion, starting out lost in the midst of finding my identity…to find or make a better reality…by traveling around the world for one full year.

I’ve wondered…it would be nice to travel…to not know where you were going and where you would live at the end. Or do we ever know, do we ever live where we live; we’re always in other places, lost, like sheep.

You may think my ways are strange ways…new ways…old ways…deep ways…steep ways…high ways and low. I’m at home with this idea and at ease to be on a track that I know not, and restless and lost on a road that I know.

It’s been said that character is what you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose. I’m going to purposely give up everything so that I’m free to do anything.

I hope to sow and reap anew. To seek adventure, courage, devotion, effort, family, focus, friends, future, goals, initiative, love, progress, results, self-confidence, self-respect, talents, truth…my purpose in life…to be a meaningful specific.

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